Choosing as a Team - Part 1
The first seven approaches in the convention successfully achieve united decisions. These are presented from the vantage point of the top of the list.
Together is the idyllic approach. It indicates when the wife and husband agree (from the start) on the path forward. When couples experience this utopia consistently during courtship, it is a clear indication toward engagement and marriage. Alas, this idyll of extensive compatibility is often a mirage. Instead of really agreeing, the euphoria of romance prompts one person to feign interest in activities (or acceptance of notions) suggested by the other. Belated realization of this mirage is a major source of marital disillusionment. Be that as it may, marriage partners should hope for and be open to many together paths forward.
Tiers is a more truthful variation on the together approach with easy compromise. The tiers approach acknowledges that a spouse’s interest level may vary significantly from one decision to the next. When the interest of one spouse greatly exceeds the other’s on the current decision, it signals that the “top tier interest” spouse should be the principle decider. Please note, the tiers approach requires truthfulness in two directions: not over-estimating your interest (to punish your spouse for other problems), and not under-estimating your interest (to escape joint decision making, which is equivalent to feigned togetherness).
Twofer is an ideal approach with minimal compromise. It indicates when, despite disagreement, husband and wife can both get what they want at the same time (on the current decision). Please note, the twofer approach requires prior agreement—it is not the springing of an obligation after agreement on the current decision. The most productive use of this approach is the combining of body and soul connection needs.
Turns is a light-hearted approach for the temporary and minor decisions in marriage. It converts routine joint decisions into alternating unilateral choices. This approach is especially made for lighter decisions: family restaurant, dessert, church pew, game, date planning, etc.
Trade returns us from the silly to the serious, but it comes with moderate compromise. It indicates that one spouse’s preference is selected on decision A in exchange for the other’s preference on decision B. This approach implies the existence of unfinished or tabled decisions. This approach behaves like a hybrid of tiers and terms. In some cases, when joint agreement falters on an individual decision, it can be achieved after tiering two decisions. Please note, the trade approach requires commitment that is stronger than whatever irritations may arise between actions A and B.
Terms is the full emergence of the theory of compromise. It is also known as "congress" by my kids. A cute illustration is how my two kids pick a movie to watch together. Kid 1 picks about five desirable options. Kid 2 then eliminates all the objectionable options. Jointly, they select one of the remaining options. If they cannot agree on any of the remaining options, the process starts over with swapped roles. I see four key factors in this illustration that are applicable to full compromise in marriage:
There is a clear shared view of the problem.
There are multiple possible solutions identified from the very start.
The interests of both partners are seen as valid.
The final decision is based on a real coming to terms, not a mathematical "meeting in the middle," and not a feigned togetherness arising from exhaustion. In other words, the joint-best of the still-valid options is selected.
Tabled is a recognition that not all joint decisions are found immediately. Nevertheless, it indicates that both spouses agree not to take action yet on the current decision. Instead, choosing as a team will be attempted again later. Please note, that some decisions can be delayed indefinitely, but others cannot. For the latter, the tabled approach is obviously a temporary agreement.
Coming Soon >> Choosing as a Team - Part 2
See previous article in series: Choosing as a Team (Summary)