Choosing as a Team - Part 2

This new convention is for joint decision making in marriage. Nevertheless, the last five approaches recognize the times when couples will not (or cannot) reach agreement. These are presented from the vantage point of the bottom of the list.

Trouble is a universal symptom of any number of relationship problems. When your trouble touches on joint decisions, you find yourself at the bottom of this convention. Of course, almost every problem in marriage touches on joint decisions—especially unseen solo decisions that are creatures of our unspoken expectations and assumptions. Like a fever, this symptom should serve as a triggering mechanism. To diagnose the issue beneath it, I recommend that you step through the convention from the bottom, as follows.

Taboo is the fastest path to trouble in marriage. It indicates a unilateral veto of a particular activity. The taboo approach often emerges under a masquerade. It may appear as a tabled decision, but with no intent of reaching agreement (pocket veto); or as the terms approach, but with unreasonable or innumerable stipulations. Still, there are times when it is right to taboo a particular activity. However, that assessment should always come with an explanation. Without justification, the taboo approach transforms a spouse from a teammate seeking agreement into a magistrate issuing a verdict.

Twain is a slow yet certain path to trouble in marriage; a classic source of snowballing problems. It is an acknowledgement of the reality of disagreement, but it calls for a delicate balance. On one side is union: spouses should not prefer to proceed alone. On the other side is federalism: couples should not force agreement where it is not necessary or possible. If you ever find that you have imposed a taboo without good cause, the twain approach is an immediate, if partial, remedy.

Try is a last-ditch compromise; a variant on the trade approach. It indicates a one-time-only participation (joint decision A) in exchange for abandoning future requests (joint decision B). This approach is appropriate for activities that appear obnoxious but not repulsive (i.e., going to the ballet or to NASCAR). Comparing these three approaches: taboo says, "I’m not gonna and neither can you;" twain says, "Go ahead without me;" and try says, "I’ll try it once if you’ll stop bugging me forever." The try approach is tailor made for activities your spouse cannot do alone, especially when you are the only partner option.

Train is a downgrade from joint decision to joint action; the best of the bad options. It indicates a willingness to work together on execution despite lack of agreement on "legislation." For example, you put your foot down that a room needs to be repainted, then you work with your spouse on the new color and the painting schedule. Another illustration: a deadline becomes imminent, so your spouse stops seeking your agreement, but still seeks your input. The full metaphor says, "The train is leaving the station, will you please climb on board with me?" Before you go down the twain path, please demonstrate your commitment to union by attempting the train approach.

Continue Reading >> Choosing as a Team - Review

See previous article in series: Choosing as a Team - Part 1