Choosing as a Team - Review

Together

The spouses agree on the same option from the start. This approach breaks down if one spouse fakes togetherness to avoid disagreement.

Tiers

When one spouse cares much more than the other, the “top tier interest” spouse should be the principle decider. This approach breaks down when interest is over-estimated (to punish) or under-estimated (to escape).

Twofer

When husband and wife propose different options, but the two options do not conflict. In these blessed cases, both can get what they want at the same time.

Turns

For minor and repeating decisions, spouses alternate in making unilateral decisions.

Trade

One spouse’s preference is selected on decision A in exchange for the other’s preference on decision B. This approach requires commitment stronger than irritations arising between actions A and B.

Terms

Spouses work together to create a shared view of the problem and identify multiple possible solutions. After collaborative review, the final selection is the joint-best of the still-valid options.

Tabled

This is a temporary approach. Both spouses agree not to take action yet on the current decision.

Train

Under urgent circumstances (when “the train is leaving the station”), one spouse may stop seeking agreement, but should still seek input from the other (“will you please climb on board with me?”)

Try

A spouse agrees to a one-time-only participation (then the other must drop the suggestion). This approach is great for activities that are obnoxious but not repulsive (i.e., the ballet, NASCAR).

Twain

Spouses should not prefer to proceed alone. However, when true disagreements persist, spouses should allow each other to occasionally proceed down separate paths (of though, discipline, action).

Taboo

It is always wrong for one spouse to veto the other's activities without justification. Doing so transforms a spouse from teammate to magistrate. To avoid this, simply express your rationale but do not control your spouse.

Trouble

To diagnose relationship problems, I recommend that you start by reviewing the speed and regularity with which each spouse employs the “Taboo” and “Twain” approaches.

Coming Soon >> Rapid Reconciliation

See previous article in series: Choosing as a Team - Part 2