Married: Body & Soul
I can no longer put off discussion of another significant difference between men and women in marriage. Man’s primary connection need is with his wife’s body; woman’s primary connection need is with her husband’s soul. Although these are not “survival needs” (death does not follow absence), regular access to Her Body and His Soul are requirements for the survival of their marriage relationship. Of course, a man’s body (i.e., physical labor) and a woman’s soul (i.e., admiring words) are also important.
Her Body and His Soul
A man’s connection need for Her Body contains a strong physical component, which carries a major benefit and a couple detriments. The primary benefit is that, like the need for food, water, etc., his need for Her Body can be fully satisfied (at least for a short time). The primary detriment is that since its intimate physical contact has the tendency to produce offspring, it must be tightly controlled within the bounds of marriage. In other words, the entire burden for satisfying this need falls on his wife. The other detriment is a bit mixed: the physical easiness of satisfying his need for Her Body obscures a man’s need for his wife’s soul.
A woman’s connection need for His Soul does not contain any physical component, which carries a major disadvantage and a couple advantages. The primary disadvantage is that, like the desire for wealth, power, etc., it is almost impossible to fully satisfy (even for a moment) her need for His Soul. The primary advantage is that, since no compromising physical contact is required, a woman can build and maintain many deep and meaningful relationships. In other words, if His Soul is not immediately available, a woman can offset that disappointment through her connections with others. The other advantage is quite mixed: the preprogrammed biological variations in her cycle provide a woman with seasons of high satisfaction even if her husband is struggling with how to share His Soul.
Insights: Temperance and Generosity
I use the word temperance in its 2 Peter 1:6 sense, where the Greek connotes self-control. In other words, the first insight into body v. soul conflicts in marriage is for both the husband and the wife to control their own natural desires.
A wife needs to first gather all her relationships around her instead of placing the total burden of her connection needs on her husband. Second, a wife must recognize that her need for His Soul can easily appear insatiable, and work with her husband to establish achievable benchmarks for satisfaction based on needs not fantasies. Third, a wife needs to beware of romance stories (tempting free emotional satisfaction without reciprocal effort) that distort what a real relationship with a real husband is like.
A husband needs to first realize that sex is not the meaning of life. Second, a husband must recognize that his need for Her Body can easily appear insatiable, and work with his wife to establish an achievable regularity of sex based on needs not fantasies. Third, a husband needs to avoid all the worldly temptations that multiply his libido.
Generosity is a virtue seldom discussed. As we share our body and soul in marriage, generosity should be our yardstick. Of course, after years (or just weeks) of disappointment and apparent betrayal, it seems quite natural for us to fall into penny-pinching instead. We must all look for ways to go beyond what is required and achieve a level of generosity. Caveat: there is no need to give or accept behaviors that you find personally degrading. And yes, both men (in sharing His Soul) and women (in sharing Her Body) sometimes find themselves in degrading circumstances.
Temperance is a forerunner of generosity (conversely, it is difficult to be generous to someone who is greedy). Further, generosity is self-reinforcing. As we maintain or regain our best selves in our marriages, we must demonstrate our temperance and generosity in action. But since these two are not always readily apparent, I also advise you to explain to your spouse that you are making the effort and ask for help to keep you honest in it.
Challenges: Courage and Patience
For men, courage is required to share His Soul with his wife. Husbands should expect that it will take hard work to learn how to share His Soul in meaningful ways with his wife. Each must believe that his wife’s needs are real even if incomprehensible. Then he must act according to that belief. It will also require courage to occasionally take the brunt of his wife’s dissatisfaction—even under the miraculous condition that he is sharing His Soul effectively—without returning railing for railing.
For women, patience is required to share Her Body with her husband. I use the word patience in its 2 Peter 1:6 sense, where the Greek connotes a cheerful waiting. Wives should expect that it will be much harder for her husband to share His Soul than for her to share Her Body. Each must acknowledge that her own needs are variable and ill-defined and then explain her needs repeatedly without harshness. Then she must act accordingly by forgiving her husband when he continues to struggle to learn how to be a friend/husband to a woman.
Addendum: God and "Good"
The best way to fill our connection needs (both men and women) is to come close to God and feel His love in our lives. Neither a husband's soul nor a wife's body can substitute for that. From a talk at the 1999 BYU Women's Conference:
"We hunger to feel understood. We thirst for someone to really trust. We yearn to really commune. We long for an interweaving of our life with another’s..."
"[But] without the love of the Savior in our lives, no other love can fill the void of being out of His presence. We lived with Him and with our heavenly parents before coming to this earth. What a gift it is to know that! What a heart-comforting thought it is to remember. No wonder we long for that feeling of deep-core love, of true intimacy."
While none of us are God, we can each begin with providing "good" connections with our spouse. I humbly submit my description of good connection (both for His Soul and for Her Body):
Bare minimum: Positive, a basic gesture of bringing a favorable outlook to the connection
Achieving "good": Participating, your are not merely a spectator in the connection
Great connection: Proactive, both you and your spouse are at times leading the connection
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See previous article in series: Differences in Triplicate