Differences in Triplicate

Problems come into relationships in direct proportion to the number, frequency, complexity, and stakes of interactions. Since marriage scores high in all categories, problems are inevitable. My friend summed it up very simply the other day: “We aren't always going to agree.” To regain or maintain our best selves in our marriages, we need to gain a mature understanding of each other. To do so, we need to explore three layers of differences.

Layer 1: Personal

We expect to be well versed in the differences found in this layer, since it is present in all relationships. Sadly, we are not because most relationships are based on commonalities not differences. Further, most relationships are based on superficial preferences. In marriage, we are quickly faced with deep personal differences.

Spouses struggle with each other’s strengths and weaknesses that rarely come into play in other relationships. While we encounter small deviations in disposition (punctuality, frugality, neatness, etc.) with siblings and parents, inescapability greatly magnifies their stakes in marriage. Also, differences in goals, dreams, and plans must be aligned (in marriage) not merely observed (as in most relationships).

Layer 2: Family

An important part of growing up is to come to know people with widely different cultures from ourselves. At intervals, we welcome then reject their unusual customs, cuisine, values, and worldview. The requirement to fuse two cultures into a single new family is again an act of alignment not mere observation. Most people are aware of this fusion task prior to saying “I do,” but we are often surprised by how difficult it is—even between seemingly similar cultures.

This Layer often slumbers beneath Layer 1 differences, including our hopes and fears. Many of these are founded on our family experiences. Of course, memories from our childhood are usually distorted by time and childish perception. Moreover, our parents’ examples often produce hidden expectations for marriage and family:

• How they spend time together and express affection

• How they divide responsibilities and respond to stress

• Rituals of holidays, vacations, discipline, and chores

• Emphasis on religion, education, and skill development

Layer 3: Biology

The third Layer is made up of differences between males and females. These are the basic differences on which the other two Layers are bred. Since Layer 3 can be conceivably learned prior to one’s choice of spouse (based on generalized nature not specific nurture), I am surprised by how little we are ever taught. Here are some of the major patterns that I have found through study, observation, and discussion:

Women want to be adored and men want to be respected, but neither works very hard to achieve it. (The entitlement culture strikes again!) If a wife would have the good sense to be happy (on the inside) and be playful (at home), her husband could not help but adore her. If a husband would have the good sense to hate his job (on the inside) and work hard (at home), his wife could not help but respect him.

Men focus on priorities, but to women everything matters. This appears to be true even to the second degree. When a man (finally) decides to do a thing, he will do the most important part of the task as quickly as possible. When a woman manages the next thing, she will be meticulous not just that the thing is 100% complete but that it is done the right way. Further, because the “taking care of self” task is high on men’s priorities, but low on women’s everything, everyone gets aggravated. He is annoyed when she is stressing, and she is annoyed when he is relaxing. If a wife could have the spirit to take counsel from her husband on which tasks to disregard, this difference could be reduced.

Women view emotions as part of the richness of life, but men view them as another passion to be disciplined. Women’s biology basically requires them to endure and value emotions. In contrast, to avoid giving and receiving injury and embarrassment, men learn first to manage, then to contain, and finally to govern their many passions (of which emotion is only one). Then, because each judges the other by the complementary standard, everyone gets aggravated. She is annoyed by his seeming detachment, and he is annoyed by her seeming immaturity. If a husband could have the courage to accept emotions from his wife (even negative ones), this difference could be reduced.

Men and women have different attitudes toward help. Because men hunger for usefulness and independence, they tend to see help as something the receiver should ask for (if wanted). Because women hunger for relationships, they tend to see help as something the giver should volunteer (always). If a husband volunteers help more and a wife appreciates her husbands’ current help more, it could repair this Marriage Pattern Conflict.

Mature Understanding

We must face our full differences and forgive each other (for being different). As we share stories, we will begin to understand our differences. But if we kick against the pricks of our basic complementarity as men and women, these efforts will be stymied. Finally, when we truly accept the real other (instead of pining for the mythical other we thought we married), we will achieve this first component of our best selves.

Keep Reading >> Married: Body & Soul

See previous article in series: Our Worst Selves?