Our Worst Selves?
A Question
As a teenager, I was often puzzled by a routine question: Why does it seem easier to be kind and patient (our best selves) to strangers? In contrast, it seemed to be within our family relationships (parents, siblings, and spouse) where people reserved their worst selves.
My first theory was that all our patience with strangers came with the cost of anger at home. My next theory was that we delude ourselves into thinking we can get away with bad behavior toward family members since they are stuck with us.
An Experience
A few months ago, I had an unusually trying day at work. I was ambushed at a meeting by some work acquaintances. While they weren’t part of my actual team, we had previously seemed to be “on the same side” in our work. In the meeting, they criticized me harshly for hidden expectations. Then, they rejected all my reactions without real consideration. These people transformed from their best selves into their worst right in front of me.
In short, I was hugely offended. To be totally honest, it felt like that kind of gut-wrenching blow that I have only gotten (and given) with family members. The kind where the hurt stays with you for weeks or more. Thankfully, I was able to ditch those relationships immediately. Doing so didn’t eliminate the hurt, but it gave protection from additional hurt.
The Insight
My teenage theories turn out to be off the mark. In general, I don’t think people store up anger that falls on family. Neither do I think people are opportunists in their family relationships. My conclusion is that problems come into all relationships, in proportion to their closeness.
We don’t really have relationships with strangers, so problems with them seldom arise.
When big problems arise with basic friends and distant family, strained relationships are easily jettisoned.
When big problems arise with close friends and close family, a common response is to “take a break” to let time heal wounds. The larger the wound, the longer the break. Sometimes that means a permanent break.
Unfortunately, none of the techniques from other relationships work in marriage. Even if problems between husbands and wives are all small, their volume and frequency create a snowball effect, generating large issues. Even when spouses try to “take a break,” innumerable decisions and tasks require their continued interaction.
Our Best Selves
To maintain or regain our best selves in our hardest relationships, men and women need to find and exercise new skills. These skills will include mature understanding, joint decision making, and rapid reconciliation.
Keep Reading >> Differences in Triplicate
See previous article in series: Marriage Pattern Conflict