Marriage Pattern Conflict

I styled the title of this post after "male pattern baldness." Now, not all men go bald. Even when they do, it is not always according to this pattern. However, due to its prevalence and recognizable-ness, male pattern baldness has become a useful moniker. Similarly, while not all marriages struggle with this particular kind of conflict, the literature refers to it so often and so clearly that it is a good path for continuing our discussion.

Step 4: Husband is less helpful

Many wives find themselves in a marriage where their husbands don't help enough. A reasonable wife may think to herself, "Ah! I married a lazy husband! Now what am I going to do?" It is common for her to think a second time (or perhaps ruminate for hours every week) about the problem. When she does, she may take the next logical step and think, "Wait... he isn't lazy at work, or at church, or when he's doing his sports. Hmm... it seems like he's only lazy when I need his help. Ah! My husband doesn't care about me any more! Now what am I going to do?!"

With such logical conclusions, it is no wonder that the diagram above shows step 4 leading backward to step 3 instead of restarting the cycle of complements. But from my readings and surveys, the problem often lies not behind a husband's laziness or lack of caring, but behind door number 3.

Step 3: Wife is less happy

How could a man ever think his wife was less happy after he helped her? The basic form of this is for the wife to simply ignore the help that was given. When the task is not masculine in nature, often a husband's only reason for helping is to make his wife's life better or easier. If he doesn't see any improvement in her life, a reasonable husband may think, "Well... it didn't help. No use doing that again."

Taking another step toward unhappiness, sometimes a wife is so concerned about the task at hand, that she won't let her husband take care of it on his own. She worries that he might fold it the wrong way, or rinse it too little, or place it in the wrong location. The wife either micromanages him or redoes his work, which leads him to think: "It's not worth my worrying about this if my wife still has to worry about it, too. Why put us both through the stress?"

Finally, many a husband has been criticized after doing what he thought was helpful. This would be a true decrease in his wife's happiness. A husband hopefully will never repeat that specific mistake again. But further, he will likely think twice before helping with any number of other tasks for fear of reprimand. After all, his wife's criticism is a reflection that he is hurting her wellbeing (and his own) instead of helping.

Insight

The logical and common conclusions that husbands and wives reach when they are trapped in Marriage Pattern Conflict (he reduces helping to avoid not-helping; she thinks he doesn't care) are wrong. Thankfully, a husband and a wife can independently take action to help return their marriage to the successful version of the pattern.

His Opportunity

A husband can redouble his hard work of providing for and protecting his wife, which routinely takes the form of helping her with her responsibilities. If he has left any of his masculine duties undone, those must be resumed immediately. Adding to those, he can lead his family by discussing with his wife ways that he can take parts of her burdens onto his shoulders. From diligence in Step 2, her impression that he does not care can be removed, and the complement cycle can be restarted.

Her Opportunity

A wife can visibly appreciate the hard work that her husband is doing. From the corrected Step 3, she can jump start the cycle of complements: her husband will grow "helpier" again. Adding to that, she can harness her husband's masculine energy by asking for his input about helping. Husbands wisely keep back helpful suggestions to avoid being critical of their wives' diligent efforts. If a wife sincerely invites his advice, she just might get lucky with him taking on an entire responsibility (not just tasks).

Continue Reading >> Our Worst Selves?

See previous article in series: A Cycle of Complements