A Cycle of Complements

The diagram above is one example of a successful marriage pattern (clockwise from bottom). Perhaps there is another cycle where Step 1 is for the husband to need the help. For now, I would like to begin with the process pictured above.

Step 1: Wife needs help

Every woman will occasionally need help from her husband. When children are young and numerous, her need for help will be greatly multiplied.

Step 2: Husband gives help

On some occasions, a husband will be unable to provide the help. On other occasions, he will be unwilling to give the help. For now, let us focus only on those times when the husband is willing, able, and actually does give the help his wife needs.

Step 3: Wife is happier

Notice that the step calls for the wife to be more happy, not finally happy. In order for this marriage pattern to be successful, a wife needs to begin in a state of happiness. Then, the receipt of help must elicit an increase in her happiness. To be fully successful, this happiness increase must be clearly identifiable to her husband.

There are a few reasons why the wife ought to be happier at this stage of the cycle. For one thing, the problem she had is now gone. She needed help, but now she doesn't, because the help was given. Voila! Also, she can find even more gladness in this case because her husband was the giver of the help. His helping is a sign of his affection and attentiveness.

Step 4: Husband is happier and helpier

This step is no longer an input to the process, but is an output. My research suggests that this pattern cultivates husbands who are happier and more willing to help in the future.

There are a few reasons why the husband will be happier at this stage of the cycle. For one thing, he will have performed a necessary and useful role in the home. The usefulness of the task may be found merely in his wife's increased happiness. In other words, many men find meaning in sincere appreciation from their wives. If the task was masculine in nature, he will also gain satisfaction from his role being validated.

The Cycle Repeats

As the diagram shows, one cycle of the successful marriage pattern flows into another. What's more, those occasions where the husband was previously unwilling may soften, what I call his being "helpier."

I call this a cycle of complements because the husband and wife are satisfying each other's needs, at least in part. His attention and help supports her need for a successful relationship. Her needing and appreciating him supports his need for a masculine role.

Keep Reading >> Marriage Pattern Conflict

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